I wrote this, what do you think?

The story line seems fine but you really do need to edit it and correct your typing errors as these can be confusing and annoying because they interrupt the flow of the story. In the first paragraph some of the sentences could be joined together. The first two sentences start with the word 'As' and that needs changing. You have started a sentence with the word 'Then' and it really doesn't sound right at all. Make sure that someones name begins with a capital letter and never use numbers unless you are writing the year e.g. 7 should be 'seven' but 1998 is OK. Print it off and read it out loud or better still get someone to read it to you and you will hear the things that need correcting. Keep going with the story but make sure that you edit before posting it as you will get more opinions on your writing. Good luck with your story.